I'm Not Ready to Say Goodbye
by choose joy xox
Summary: "She was struck by the fact that for the first time he was the one leaving her. Through everything, through every fight and frustrated word, through every break up and angst filled night, she was always the one that left first. He never walked out on her. But now he was. He was leaving, and she didn't know how to fix it." My take on the upcoming scene where Toby punches Caleb.


**This isn't long, but I had to respond to that shit show that I used to love called PLL.**

 **WHILE PLL IS NO LONGER IN MY HEART SPOBY WILL ALWAYS BE. but I am very upset with Spencer right now, and this is the ONLY WAY I CAN SEE IT BEING EVEN 1% FORGIVABLE.**

 **Okay bye. Let me know what you think. BOTH OF MY OTHER STORIES will be updated by Sunday night so be on the lookout.**

TPOV

He didn't remember why he came over here. All that existed in this moment was here and now. None of his triumphs mattered in the wake of this. None of his setbacks had dealt a blow as crushing as this. This was all that mattered. From the moment he was born to the day that he died, the rest of his life would be in the shadow of this moment, the moment that he lost the girl that he was sure was the love of his life. Every victory would be tainted by the thought of how much sweeter it would have been had she been there. Every loss would be heightened by the memories of her comforting touch and uplifting words.

They were broken up, he knew that. He accepted it. But he accepted it with the whole hearted belief that they would find their way back to each other. That's why he started building the house, because even if he would never admit it out loud, he always assumed they'd live there together, that they'd finally find a way to break through the heavy burden of their shared past and come out on the other side, ready to start a future together.

How do you move on when the worst thing continuously happens in your life, over and over again? He thought losing his mom was the worst until Jenna sunk her claws into him. He thought that being sexually assault by his step sister was rock bottom until his girlfriend was kidnapped by a potentially homicidal, mentally-ill, maniac. He thought Spencer's getting kidnapped was the worst thing until this moment. This was even worse than their breakup, because that pain was softened by the blind hope that they would reconcile. This was unendurable. He didn't know where to go from here.

Maybe he was the problem. Why else would everyone leave?

He frowned at the sight of, who he thought was his best friend, sprawled across the floor. He hadn't meant to hit him, but he hadn't really understood the definition of blind with rage until that moment. It was as though his fist had reacted before his mind could process.

But honestly, how could they? How could either of them? He had never had a friend before, not really. But damn it, he thought Caleb was his friend. But a friend wouldn't do this. Or at the very least, a friend wouldn't have hidden this from him.

And how could Spencer? She knew how he felt about her. They would still be together if a few things had been different, he was sure of it. How could the girl that, even now, held every single piece of his heart do this to him? She was the first person he ever loved, and the only one he ever would, if he was being honest with himself. He couldn't ever imagine loving someone the way that he loved her, and that included right now when he was so angry and hurt that he couldn't string together two words. It hurt because it mattered. It hurt because, even though she had just ruined him in a way that no one else on the planet had the power to do, he loved her more than he could express into words.

But did it matter now? Was love enough? Because he wasn't sure that there could ever be any going back from this. He wasn't sure that he could look at either of them again without wanting to cry.

SPOV

She was in shock. Toby was gentle. He was the kind of person that could be provoked but usually wasn't. He was as altruistic as one came, but she knew better than to mistake that for weakness. She knew he would react badly when he found out, but she always had assumed that she would be the one to tell him; she never imagined it would get to him before she had the chance.

She couldn't even be mad at him, not really. She was mad at herself, because this shouldn't have happened. In all honesty, she wasn't even sure that she was in love with Caleb. He had been there for her in ways that no one else could be. Toby loved her too much. He wouldn't let her stand on her own two feet when she was battling her PTSD. He wanted to carry her and support her, and God, she loved him for that. But she would never have recovered like she needed to if she had been with him.

But Caleb? Her and Caleb were one in the same. Their minds worked the same way. He knew what she needed to get better. She needed to walk on her own and someone to fall back on if necessary. She never planned any of this, but he helped her get better and she supported him while he got over Hanna. Was it love? Probably not. But for her the lines between deep friendship and love had always been a little blurry. Her family was amazing, and she appreciated them more now than she ever had growing up. But they had never been the best at showing love, and that left her, even to this day, confused at what it looked like.

She suspected that Caleb had the same issue... growing up in foster care, two absent parents, losing Hanna. Love had never been a constant for him, and when it isn't always there feelings can get messy.

It had never been confusing with Toby, though. From the moment he kissed her outside the motel up until now she knew that she loved him. She loved him in a reckless way that scared the hell out of her sometimes, but it was empowering because she knew that the feelings were reciprocated. He was unreservedly on her side. He stood up for her when she didn't care enough to stand up for herself. He loved her in a way she had never experienced, and God she still loved him so much.

But this might have ruined it. Because why would he want her now? He had forgiven her for so much, but this? This might have been a line that she can't cross back over, and she hated herself for it. She hated herself for being the one to put that look on his face. "Toby," she whispered, reaching out to him. She didn't even look at Caleb, and that alone was enough to tell her what she didn't want to admit. She had made a mistake.

Toby shook his head and closed his eyes. "I- I can't. Not right now."

And with that he left. She was struck by the fact that for the first time he was the one leaving her. Through everything... through every fight and frustrated word. Through every break up and angst filled night, she was always the one that left first. He never walked out on her. But now he was. He was leaving, and she didn't know how to fix it.

She had made a mistake and she didn't know what to do. Even after she broke up with Toby she knew it her heart that he'd be there for her in a moments notice if she needed him. They had spent two years apart and he was still her safe place to land.

But not anymore. And it was all her fault.


End file.
